Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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