If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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