You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
