Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
