the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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