Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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