Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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