he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
