We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
