i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
