Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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