God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
