woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
