I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
