4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
