What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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