i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
