Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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