I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
