I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
