Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
