i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
