Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
