last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
