Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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