i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
