she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
