so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
