your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
