Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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