My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
