so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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