After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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