I think my fart just growled at me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
