8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
