we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
