It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
