You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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