My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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