Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
