Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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