She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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