Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
