It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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