These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
