Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
