the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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