Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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