dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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