you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
