I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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