Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
